Chicago Post Office For Sale

Originally published at brigidkeely.com/wordpress. You can comment here or there.

Oh my God.

Oh. My. God.

OH MY GOD.

The Chicago Post Office is for sale! It was originally up for $300million, but it is a buyer’s market right now, so it’s up for auction. Starting bid is $300,000.00. THAT IS JUST ABOUT GOING RATE FOR A SINGLE FAMILY HOME AROUND CHICAGO. I am throbbing with desire to purchase and rehab the building.

The Chicago Post Office is super freaking huge because of Montgomery Ward, who had the revolutionary idea of making sure customers were satisfied. His mail order business had a money back guarantee. As a result, his warehouse sent out a metric tonne of packages from Chicago, and the post office was built to accommodate the amount of business it had. It’s made of Indiana Limestone, not Joliet, which means it’s white and not yellowish. It’s FREAKING HUGE. You know how sometimes people carve passages into Sequoia trees to put roads through them? Yeah. The same thing happened to the Post Office, with the Congress Expressway running through it. HOW COOL IS THAT. It’s also a movie star.

If I had the money to purchase and rehab this building, I would turn it into apartments, lofts, and studio space for artists. I would establish a few large rooms for gatherings and maybe small conventions. I would put a cafe, a bar, an indie book store, and an art supply store on the first level. I would totally and entirely market this toward artists and writers. TOTALLY and ENTIRELY. It could be AN ENCLAVE. Move over, Portland! Fuck you, West Coast! Chicago will become MORE AWESOME THAN YOU.

And, in this fantasy land I’m spinning, I would also have a pony that shits gold and farts rainbows and can fly.

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