How often do you fight?

[brigid]

If you’re married/partnered, how often do you and your partner fight?

I was reading a book about parenting and in a chapter in conflict resolution the authors mention a study where (heterosexual) married parents recorded every time they fought. Women recorded, on average, 8 fights while men recorded, on average, 7 fights. Per day. Which seems like a lot to me, even when I remember those misty halcyon days where I actually saw my husband every single day instead of the terrible overlapping work schedules where we don’t see each other awake for several days in a row every week because aughblarglefffffffffffffffff.

Now, I realize that “oh, but we don’t FIGHT! Ever!” is part and parcel of that whole “we’re SO SERIOUSLY BLESSED, our marriage is PERFECT, we just NON STOP HAVE FUN and ARE PERFECT and ARE BETTER THAN YOU” thing and I’m not going there. But Nesko and I rarely fight, even if you take spats like “OMG WHY DON’T YOU EVER CLOSE THE CABINET DOOOOOOOOOOOOOR” and “WHY DON’T YOU EVER DO THE LAAAAUUUUUUNDRYYYYYYYYYY” and “OMG STOP LEAVING YOUR SOCKS ON THE FLOOOOOOOOOOOOR” into consideration. We BRING STUFF UP, like, “Hey, honey? I’d really appreciate it if you could hang your wet towels on a hook to dry, instead of the bed frame. I worry the bed frame will warp/rust.” and “Sweetie, please stop leaving your boots in the door way where I will trip over them.” and “If you don’t fold and put away this laundry I WILL CUT YOU.” but it’s peaceful and just like… a conversation instead of an airing of grievances.

I don’t think we fight/argue/bicker even 8 times a WEEK.

Is there something wrong with us? With the way we communicate?

What do you think?

How often do you and your partner (or former partner!) fight?

What do you fight about?

Mirrored from Now Showing!.

Comments

[dorothean]

I think some people just don't fight!

I've been living with my partner for less than two months, so I doubt we've settled into a pattern yet. But we've been together for years, and ... he doesn't start fights with me, ever. That seems to be my job! It's pretty silly because he loves arguing with people online and he and his father fight basically whenever they're in the same room. Whereas I hate conflict.

My current analysis is that he thinks of fighting as the appropriate response to people you're contemptuous of (his horrible father, online conspiracy theorists) and, since I am not contemptible, he doesn't need to pick fights with me. So far, when I'm doing something he doesn't like, he's either comfortable enough to calmly tell me to stop it, or he retaliates with escalation. (E.g. if I am annoying him by playing with his hair, instead of saying "Stop playing with my hair," he will ruffle mine back until I look like a sad poodle. If anyone else did this I would probably kill them, but he has somehow figured out how to be maximally obnoxious without actually upsetting me at all.)

Whereas I think of conflict as something that is unpleasant, not a fun voluntary activity, but the means to solving problems that seem like they could cause resentment later. The more I care about and respect someone, the more it matters to me that we solve our problems and that I be honest with them about how I'm feeling, and so the more likely it is that I'll bring problems up. I guess I notice problems more now that we're living together, too, because I'm the one with higher standards for living-space tidiness.

I think I need to work at remembering that the individual things I bring up to fight about are not, really, that important, so that I don't get all emotionally invested in winning an argument. And I wish my partner were a bit better at telling me what he wants. But we're doing okay. And we definitely don't fight eight times a day.