Dough

[brigid]

There are two type of people in the world, people who don’t eat raw dough and gross assholes people who do. Niko, somehow, has become one of those people who eats and enjoys raw dough so whenever I make bread or something that doesn’t have eggs in it (BECAUSE I AM INCREDIBLY PARANOID ABOUT SALMONELLA FROM EGGS EVEN THOUGH I KNOW RATIONALLY THAT A PINCH OF DOUGH WON’T KILL ANYONE AND ALSO THAT ONE IS MORE LIKELY TO GET SALMONELLA FROM FRUITS OR VEGETABLES) I have to pinch off a wad of dough and give it to him to eat.

I have a mostly devoured loaf of bread on the counter, cut side down, and two loaves shaped and going through their second rise on the stove top. The loaf on the counter is full of holes because Niko keeps sneaking into the kitchen and stabbing it.

I just need to kill this loaf of bread, mama, so I can eat it. I’m a bread hunter.

OH WELL DUH OF COURSE.

If you’re interested in making your own bread, you should try it. You have to plan ahead (from start to finish, making bread can literally take hours if not days, if you’re doing a sourdough), and remember that fresh bread will only keep a few days before getting rock hard. But all you need is flour (preferably bread flour), water, yeast, and a bit of salt.

WHAT I DO IS THIS: I put 1 tbl each yeast¹ and white sugar in a liquid cup-size measuring cup and add 1/2 c hot water (hot from the tap, not heated up). I let it proof until the yeast foam reaches the 1c line on the cup. Then I take the stainless steel mixing bowl of my super powerful and awesome stand mixer and rinse it with hot water until it’s warm. Then I dump the yeast water in, and fill the 1c measure to the 1c line with more hot water and put that in, too. I add 2c of bread flour and sprinkle 1/2-1 tbl salt on top of that and put the bowl in the stand mixer and add the bread hook. Once it’s mixed together I add UP TO 3 additional cups of flour (often closer to only 1 cup, though. I add 1/3c at a time) and let the mixer knead away for about five minutes.

Bread dough is ready when it feels like a baby’s butt. It should be soft but spring back when you touch it. It shouldn’t be sticky, but it shouldn’t be dry either. I recommend erring on the side of too-wet. It’s easier to incorporate more flour than more water.

When your dough is ready, slap it into a bowl that’s been well oiled. Cover it with plastic wrap and then a towel and stick it in a warm, draft-free place. I put it on top of my oven and turn the oven to “warm.” If I don’t use plastic wrap the dough dries out. Let it rise until doubled, which can take 30-90 minutes, then gently deflate it, knead it a few times, and either shape it into one large or two small loaves, depending on your pans. Oil your pans up, drop your loaves into the pans, and cover them the same way you covered the bowls. Let them rise for about half an hour, then turn on the oven to 400*F. Once it’s heated up, slash the tops of your loaves and slap them in the oven for 15-30 minutes depending on the size of the pans. You’ll know your bread is done when it’s browned on top and sounds hollow when you slip it out of the pan and tap on the bottom. If the bottom and sides of your loaf are too pale, set the naked loaf directly on the oven rack for 5-10 minutes until it’s toasted up a bit. When you pull the bread out, you can brush the top with melted butter for looks and taste. I usually skip this step because I have friends & family who are vegan, so if I’m making an un-enriched (IE, not made with eggs/milk/butter) loaf, I keep it “clean” just in case they stop by.

If you want to make pizza dough, add 3tbl oil (I use olive oil) to the water in the bowl, continue as directed. Instead of dividing into 2 loaves, though, split it into 2-4 balls (depending on how thin you like your crust) before the second rise. Back at 400*F on a pan for 10-15 minutes (keep an eye on it) being careful not to over-top the pizza because it’ll be soggy.

If you buy a loaf of bread from the store it can cost US$2-5.00. A 5lb sack of bread flour costs less than $5.00 and I buy yeast cheaply in bulk and pretty much always have water, salt, and olive oil on hand. It’s pretty economical to make your own bread once you’ve practiced a bit, and it makes the house smell AMAZING. AH-MAZE-ING. I’m super glad I have my stand mixer, though, because I have carpal tunnel and arthritis and when I have to knead dough by hand I hurt for a long time afterward.

1. if you buy yeast from a packet, it’s got 2 1/4 tsp in it. I round up to 1 tbl which is the same as 3 tsp. The extra yeast doesn’t hurt anything. ↩

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