Freaky Baby Dreams

IN THIS BLOG POST I discuss miscarriage in general and my own uterine activity specifically.

If you don’t want to deal with either, scroll on past or whatever you need to do.

i have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Uterine Fibroids, and Endometriosis. Any one of those things can and do negatively impact pregnancy. You combine the three of them, though, and you wind up with me feeling incredibly lucky that I have a kid at all. I’ve also had a lot of failed pregnancies. One was pretty awful, a miscarriage in the early part of the second trimester that left me in a pretty deep Depression for over a month and also left me terrified through my entire pregnancy with Niko that he’d, like, fall out… especially if I pooped too hard. YOU GUYS I WAS AFRAID TO POOP. It’s been four years since he was born, though, and we’ve been more or less trying to have another kid for three of those years, and… I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I’ve had several miscarriages ranging from “faint positive sign at 4 weeks followed immediately by cramps and heavy bleeding” to “period 7 weeks late with no positive sign WHOOPS HELLO ELEVATOR SCENE FROM THE SHINING” to “strong positive HA HA NO PSYCH” to the most recent “faint positive at 8 weeks, evacuation of uterine contents a week later.” I’m on the tail end of that one right now, and it generally sucks (I especially resent having over a month of nausea with nothing to show for it) but I’m over all sad with a small s and not falling into anything deeper. I’m at the stage where I’m just… ready for the intermittent cramps and bleeding to end once and for all so I can go about my life again.

And then last night I had the worst dreams a formerly pregnant person can have.

Basically, I had a series of dreams where I discovered that I hadn’t really had a miscarriage and WHOOPS time for the baby to come! And I didn’t have any baby stuff, but that was ok I could handle it; and I didn’t know where Nesko was, but that’s ok I could handle it; and I didn’t have a doctor lined up, but that’s ok, I can handle it; and I didn’t have anyone to watch Niko but that’s ok, I can handle it. So most of the HELLO HAVE A BABY anxiety dreams I normally have? The anxiety wasn’t there. All that was there was a tiny, perfect little baby; so heavy and squirmy and smelling of milk and Johnson & Johnson shampoo and lotion. And I held that tiny little baby girl and I fell in love SO HARD, you guys, so hard, with all my heart and soul and guts and every bit of my being. And I looked at her and at Niko and at Nesko (who showed up I guess) and we were all together and my family was finally complete.

I had several dreams like this.

And each time I fell in love all over again, and each time I woke up and it was obviously all a dream and I was so sad.

I don’t have that baby.

In addition to my internal issues I’m 34.

I will probably not be having another baby.

Our family’s going to have to be complete the way it is right now.

I’m feeling kind of down about that.

My jerk brain really isn’t helping at all.

Technorati Tags: family, miscarriage, parenting

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