One Thousand Words

IN THIS BLOG POST I discuss miscarriage in general and my own uterine activity specifically.

If you don’t want to deal with either, scroll on past or whatever you need to do.

i have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Uterine Fibroids, and Endometriosis. Any one of those things can and do negatively impact pregnancy. You combine the three of them, though, and you wind up with me feeling incredibly lucky that I have a kid at all. I’ve also had a lot of failed pregnancies. One was pretty awful, a miscarriage in the early part of the second trimester that left me in a pretty deep Depression for over a month and also left me terrified through my entire pregnancy with Niko that he’d, like, fall out… especially if I pooped too hard. YOU GUYS I WAS AFRAID TO POOP. It’s been four years since he was born, though, and we’ve been more or less trying to have another kid for three of those years, and… I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I’ve had several miscarriages ranging from “faint positive sign at 4 weeks followed immediately by cramps and heavy bleeding” to “period 7 weeks late with no positive sign WHOOPS HELLO ELEVATOR SCENE FROM THE SHINING” to “strong positive HA HA NO PSYCH” to the most recent “faint positive at 8 weeks, evacuation of uterine contents a week later.” I’m on the tail end of that one right now, and it generally sucks (I especially resent having over a month of nausea with nothing to show for it) but I’m over all sad with a small s and not falling into anything deeper. I’m at the stage where I’m just… ready for the intermittent cramps and bleeding to end once and for all so I can go about my life again.

And then last night I had the worst dreams a formerly pregnant person can have.

Basically, I had a series of dreams where I discovered that I hadn’t really had a miscarriage and WHOOPS time for the baby to come! And I didn’t have any baby stuff, but that was ok I could handle it; and I didn’t know where Nesko was, but that’s ok I could handle it; and I didn’t have a doctor lined up, but that’s ok, I can handle it; and I didn’t have anyone to watch Niko but that’s ok, I can handle it. So most of the HELLO HAVE A BABY anxiety dreams I normally have? The anxiety wasn’t there. All that was there was a tiny, perfect little baby; so heavy and squirmy and smelling of milk and Johnson & Johnson shampoo and lotion. And I held that tiny little baby girl and I fell in love SO HARD, you guys, so hard, with all my heart and soul and guts and every bit of my being. And I looked at her and at Niko and at Nesko (who showed up I guess) and we were all together and my family was finally complete.

I had several dreams like this.

And each time I fell in love all over again, and each time I woke up and it was obviously all a dream and I was so sad.

I don’t have that baby.

In addition to my internal issues I’m 34.

I will probably not be having another baby.

Our family’s going to have to be complete the way it is right now.

I’m feeling kind of down about that.

My jerk brain really isn’t helping at all.

Technorati Tags: family, miscarriage, parenting

Mirrored from Now Showing!.

I was all set to write a little congratulatory “btw,  Niko’s sleeping in his own little bad, KAZAM!” post but then last night he joined us in our bed around tiny-o:clock because “monsters” had “eaten his rug” and “turned Carl (his stuffed elephant) into a bear and Carl was sad.” We had a talk about monsters and how to get rid of them and everything seemed ok, and then he spent the day with my in-laws and came home and apparently his room is infested with monsters and dinosaurs.

Which, ok, my friend Kate thinks that is ridiculous because duh monsters are afraid of dinosaurs and dinosaurs are extinct, and I totally agree with her, but try explaining that to a two year old, right? They don’t logic well.

So I managed to get him settled in bed, reading him “I Am A Bunny” and “The Thomas And Friends Year Book” (which is a freaking catalog of Thomas And Friends toys only with no prices ha ha surprise suckers! That thing your kid totally wants is US$600!) and then the freak outs began, fueled in part by being over tired and possibly by running a low fever.

Because I am the meanest person ever, I sternly forbade Niko from sleeping in the big bed, and I turned out the light and left him to sniffle and tremble in fear.

Half an hour later he tucked himself neatly and calmly into our big bed while I faffed about online.

I let him fall asleep and then scooped him up in the most hilariously clumsy way and dragged him back to his room. He woke up half way there and resisted as much as a half-asleep toddler can resist, but frankly, he was having difficulty sitting up let alone pulling another escape attempt. So he soon crashed and I haven’t heard anything else from him.

We rearranged some furniture in his room, and that may have triggered this, or it might just be a completely random totally awesome toddler brain thing. I have no idea. It’s also possible that he is just a super lucky kid who inherited my completely rad night terrors. Yay!

Later on I’m gonna talk about Cingular and our decision to take Niko off of it. It’s pretty boring, but mostly I want to record it for myself. STAY TUNNED FOR MORE GRIPPING TALES OF TODDLER MEDICATION.

Technorati Tags: nightmares, parenting, sleep, toddler

Mirrored from Now Showing!.