This working thing…

[brigid]

I went from being the parent who was ALWAYS home, the one who give Niko ALL THE FOOD, and ALL THE BATHS, and MADE ALL THE TRAIN TRACKS, and READ ALL THE STORIES and SANG ALL THE SONGS to being the parent who was also never home. The first week I worked full time, Niko shunned me. He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me. It got better after that, and we have some fun times, but Nesko and I went to pick him up from my in-laws the other day and it didn’t go well. I went into the house, where Niko was, while Nesko lingered outside to talk to his dad. Niko was all psyched for Nesko to pick him up, and greeted me with shouts of NO NO NO and BAD MAMA and I NOT LIKE MAMA. That is not exactly encouraging, you know? Nesko came in and tried to set things right by asking Niko if he was “just foolin’” (one of Niko’s fave expressions right now, along with “No, No, Indeed!” and “IF YOU SAY SO!”) and Niko said he was, but I know the truth!

I’m almost done with my fifth week of full time work, and it’s very stressful. I’m exhausted all the time, I’m very freaked out by the messy state of our apartment ¹ (which is exacerbated by the fact that SOMEONE thought our bedroom could TOTALLY fit a Queen sized bed, and it can’t, so a bunch of stuff that was IN the bedroom is now in the dining room and OH MY GOD OUR DINING ROOM LOOKS LIKE IT STEPPED OUT OF “HOARDERS: BURIED ALIVE” RIGHT NOW WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T EVEN), and even though Niko spends his days with people who love him, adore him, dote on him, and do incredibly fun things with him… I still worry that it’s not enough, that he needs more ME (and more Nesko, but that’s something I’ve been fretting about for over a year now).

And I feel like a total jerk, because how many people are out of work right now? TOO MANY. And the money coming in is GREAT (and is, you know, why we were ABLE to get our way too large for the space bed, and bedding (bliss!), and a bed for Niko that apparently strikes terror into his heart if he considers actually SLEEPING in it). And frankly, I’ve been looking for work for two years now. TWO YEARS. Two of them. But the whole time? I was looking for part time work. Full time is too much for me, too much for us.

Anyway. I’ve been here for about five weeks, and at my best guess I have 4-6 weeks more to go². So until that time is up, I need to find ways of connecting with my boy. We’ve been doing lots of cuddles and singing songs ³ and reading stories, especially stories from this giant Thomas and Friends collection I splurged on at Border’s which has a huge amount of the original Awdry Railway Series stories ⁴. So we read 2 train stories before bed, and I cover up Niko and tickle him through the blankets because he’s SNUG AS A BUG! SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUUUUUUUUG! and that’s, you know, that’s funny to a baby ⁵ and then we practice our train noises. I say POOP POOP POOOOOOOOP in a big voice like Gordon the Express Engine and he says PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEEEP like Percy the little green engine and then I say Lako Noche (good night) and he says it back and then I say Volim Te (I love you) and he says it back (which is technically wrong, he SHOULD be saying ye te volim, but he is two so I’ll let it slide) and then we snuggle up and go to sleep. It’s good times, but I find myself sometimes trying to delay actual sleep for more talking and cuddles because they’re so great and… the kid needs to sleep.

So.

It’s not like everything is terrible forever, but I miss spending time with my kiddo, and I’ll be glad when I’m able to spend more time with him.

1. The sound you hear right now is the muffled laughter and/or exploding heads of almost everyone who’s known me for any length of time. You guys, I’m shocked too! But I’ve gotten more tidy as I’ve gotten older, and now clutter and disorder oppress me much more than they used to. Or else I just notice the negative effects on my mood more. ↩
2. I don’t have a set end date, and I’ve been unable to nail one down. I need to talk to my agency and make it clear that 6 more weeks is as far as I can go. ↩
3. His djedo taught him a Serbian pop song from the 70s that is UTTERLY ADORABLE, and he also sings “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” at the drop of a hat (itty bitty pider uppa pout down rain pider ow uppa sun rain itty bitty pider up aden YAY!”) and the theme song to the show “Dinosaur Train,” although that mostly consists of him yellsinging DINOSAUR TRAIN dinosaur train in a loud/deep then high/soft voice. ↩
4. Which are pretty effed up. At one point, a train is bricked up in a tunnel because he’s afraid of rain, and LEFT THERE for an unspecified period of time, just walled up and alone. ↩
5. He likes to specify WHO things are funny to. When I laugh at something, he says “that funny to a mama!” when I say something funny, he laughs and says “that funny to a baby!” ↩

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