One Thousand Words

Mirrored from Words, words, words, art..

The first time I had Nutella was in 1993. My mom’s best friend had moved to Australia a few years earlier and super expensive trans-atlantic phone calls once a year and letters written in cramped writing on both sides of onion skin paper and sent airmail just weren’t enough. So she used my graduating from 8th grade as an excuse to fly the both of us out to visit them. Happy graduation, let’s go to Oz! I’m not complaining, mind. It was an incredible trip. I fell in love hard with Melbourne, and it’s the one place in my life I’ve ever felt homesick for, which is weird considering I was only there for about 3 weeks. But man, I loved it so much. We stayed with our family friends and I tried Nutella for the first time. We’d been sending them care packages for years of stuff like graham crackers and Oreos and Captain Crunch and some other stuff they couldn’t get over there (coffee that wasn’t instant? lasagne noodles that you had to boil first? I forget what else.) and they’d send us Vegemite. After our return they sent Nutella as well, something you couldn’t get (or couldn’t get easily?) in the States.

OF COURSE I shared this with my friends.

They thought I was crazy.

Putting CHOCOLATE on BREAD? How ridiculous is that! No wonder you’re such a fat fatty! These FOOLS who enjoyed chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip muffins, chocolate croissants, white and yellow cake with chocolate frosting, pound cake with chocolate ganache, chocolate bread pudding, etc could not FATHOM putting CHOCOLATE (and hazelnut) on BREAD. Ewwww, gross! I made them eat it, because that’s the kind of friend I am, and they all saw how amazing it was and liked it. And for years, Nutella was a staple in my cupboard.

Now it’s super popular and you can pick it up in almost every grocery store and there’s weird ads for it on television and in magazines where it sounds like it’s health food (it’s chocolate, people. chocolate. tasty, not healthy.) and there’s a million recipes and memes about Nutella online. You can find it pretty much everywhere… except my kitchen.

Why?

Because of Nesko.

I married a man who’s allergic to hazelnut. He’s also allergic to chestnuts and brazil nuts.

How allergic is he? I’ll tell you. Years ago, I worked at Fannie May and part of the job requirement was to be familiar with the product. I was sampling the new deluxe truffles (which were INCREDIBLE) and one of them was a hazelnut mousse filling (AMAZING). HOURS after I tried one single truffle with hazelnut Nesko came in to buy some Advent calendars for his cousin’s kids and I gave him a little kiss and his lips started tingling and got a little swollen.

Despite his allergic reactions (swelling, vomiting when he eats chestnuts) he continues to eat stuff with hazelnuts in it unless I remind him not to. His reasoning is that the allergic reaction isn’t THAT bad and hazelnuts taste good. My reasoning is that each exposure ups the chance his allergy will get worse, so stop making bad decisions you fool. So we don’t keep Nutella in the house.

Recently, some peanut butter companies have tried to jump on the Nutella bandwagon and put out their own chocolate spreads. Every time I see them I scrutinize them for hazelnut. Peanuts, after all, are tasty and they are peanut butter companies. Wouldn’t it make sense for them to use peanuts instead of hazelnuts in their java chocolate caramel whatever spreads? But no, they all cram hazelnuts in there.

Then I found these little single-serve packs by Jif. They’re one of the

Originally published at brigidkeely.com/wordpress. You can comment here or there.

Dear Internets:
I got fat feet.

It is hard to be a lay-dee with fat feet because shoe designers apparently think that all women have narrow feet and lack toes and have shortened Achilles tendons and therefore are very comfortable on stupidly tall heels.

Fuck that noise.

I had a pair of all-purpose slip-on shoes that I would wear to check the mail or take the trash out or do laundry. They were by the back door, and were very convenient and looked pretty decent, too. And then one day Nesko dropped my set of glass stacking bowls on the floor and they exploded into a million glittering shards, many of which landed in those shoes. In the interest of not getting glass bits embedded in my feet, I threw those shoes out. This began the quest for replacement shoes.

By “quest” I mean “wandering down to Payless and scowling at their limited selection.” They only had 3 pair of shoes total in wide widths in my size, and those were 2 pair of sneakers and 1 pair of insanely tall heels. I headed into the dude’s shoe section, which greatly disturbed the only man there, as well as everyone working there. They kept asking me if I needed help. OH NO I AM TOO STUPID TO KNOW THAT I AM LOOKING AT DUDELY SHOES.

I am apparently a 6.5 or 7 in dudely shoes, and am now the owner of a pair of slide on sandals. They don’t have a toe-thong, so I can wear them with socks if I want to (why would I want to? eh. It’s good to have options) and have 2 straps over the top of the foot with buckles so I can adjust them to my fat feet. I think they will work out pretty ok.

I also looked at baby shoes. They are so cute I almost died. Right there. In the store. While listening to Electric Six. Then I looked at the prices and came back to life. Shoes for infants: biggest scam in the world, or simply misguided?

Originally published at brigidkeely.com/wordpress. You can comment here or there.

Hey, does anyone in the Chicago area want/need some office supplies?

I have a shit load of post it notes, steno pads, lined paper, pens, and some other stuff. 3.5 discs, also, if you have a use for them. Let me know if you want this stuff.

I’m going to post a large amount of art supplies soon (probably next week). Paints, sketch pads, prismacolor pencils and markers, canvasses, an easel or two. I’d like a few bucks for that stuff, though.