What does your family look like?

[brigid]

What does your family look like?

The whole “nuclear family” concept of a married cisman and ciswoman raising their biological kids, all other relatives distant, is a really new concept. Until recently– and this is still de rigueur in many countries– multiple generations and siblings and siblings’ kids all lived together. Resources were pooled. There was always someone to watch the kids while other adults did laundry or worked in a factory or worked in fields or hunted or made dinner or whatever. The “modern” life so many of us lead is an isolated one, and a fragile one.

I did something to  my knee on Tuesday, something painful enough that I almost didn’t make it home. I’ve been hobbling around ever since. I’m improving each day, and now that I have a cane I’m walking almost normally. But I’m not up to walking Niko to and from school. Luckily for me, G is here to handle that.

G is a friend of ours. I’ve known him for over ten years. He lived with us for 2 years previously, an arrangement that ended only because he got head hunted for a sweet job on the West Coast. He’s an artist (you may have played video games he’s worked on) and he’s been doing a lot of freelance work lately which means he’s at home all the time and available during the day for boring personal errands like picking my kid up from school half a mile away. It’s really nice knowing that I can rely on him.

My parents live an hour away, at least, and both work full time (or more). One of my brothers is in the Marines and the other actually lives close to us but is super busy with work and music. Nesko’s family lives a mile away, but his dad’s out of state taking care of something, his siblings all work, and his mom doesn’t have access to a car because we’re borrowing it while Nesko’s car is in the shop (it’s been out of commission for about a month and $3k so far).

If G wasn’t here, how would I get my kid to school? He’s 4, there’s no way he could go by himself. There’s no busing. I don’t think any of his classmates live close enough to him to walk. I could ask a friend of mine for rides, but his kid is also in a half day afternoon program that starts and ends the same time as Niko’s but at a different school. So what? A series of expensive cab rides? Just keeping him home?

Our family is made up of a mama and a tata and a child and G. It’s a good family and it feels right. It feels supportive and loving. We’re all born into families but as we grow and mature we create our own families as well. We build relationships and tend them and nurture them. We support each other. G and I aren’t related by blood but we’re still family and I love that. I’m glad that we’ve been able to build something like this. I’m very glad that I’m able to rely on him.

I’m very lucky that I have the friends that I have, and I’m also lucky that I have the family I have– the family I was born into, the family I married into, and the family that we’re creating.

What does YOUR family look like? Are you close to your parents? Do you get along with your in-laws? Do you have a multigenerational set up? Are you part of a hippy commune? What works for you, what needs work? I’d love to hear how you handle your life.

Mirrored from Now Showing!.

Comments

[al_zorra]

This idea of the nuclear family is a bad one.

As for us, it's only el V and myself. My two siblings are very far away, we are very different from them, and everyone else is dead. El V's entirely estranged from his because they could not accept him, culturally, politically or in any other way than he is. Too weird in their minds. Though as soon as he started to get national attention for various things then they wanted to be friends, but as they wouldn't apologize for things said and done in the past, he just would not.

Love, C.

[brigid]

Yeah, the idea of a nuclear family is strange & isolating.

[al_zorra]

I forgot to mention that when younger, before meeting and marrying, we both had a variety of 'alternative' living experiences, including in households of very close friends. These were very successful. But then we married and moved to NYC where we knew NOBODY except each other (this is highly NOT recommended) and housing is very tight, very expensive and very tiny.

Love, C.

[brigid]

I've never lived on my own, I've always had room mates/Nesko. Some of those living arrangements were positive, some not. I'd absolutely be open to living with specific ppl/other families in a communal way. I think that could be potentially fun and life affirming.

[al_zorra]

It can be a terrific thing for kids and for child-rearing -- and thus for adults too.

Love, C.

[kayote]

We're close to our parents, but they live hours away. His parents are taking care of his grandmother and, as none of the rest of her children are nearby, they can come see us only rarely (prior to that they came about every 3 weeks). Mine are on the road a lot, but we have called them when we needed them and they were home.

But I'd love it if they moved to town, so we could go out to eat and leave L with grandparents. Growing up, my grandparents were in town for the summer on one side, and for a few weeks in our driveway (RV) on the other. I really want L's grandparents around long stretches sometime.

My dad has some health issues, and he's built a network of doctors he trusts. He doesn't want to leave that, and I can understand that--he spent decades finding them, and now that he needs them he doesn't want to start over. Nor can I really highly recommend the medical facilities down here. J's folks might come down, but I don't want to disrupt Great Gram's life and the community she has built up there at the end of her life.

We're both only kids. J has cousins but he's only met a few and they are no where near us and most of them are totally different. The ones we are most likely to get along with live in CA, so I don't know if we'll ever meet them. I have none. (If you hear me mention one, it's generic. Everyone in my family is cousin/aunt/uncle if they aren't parents or grandparents, and I know few of those).

We've somewhat intentionally started building L a family of non-blood relations. I just hope it lasts, and it's hard for me to pick up the phone and call. I've gotten to where I can do it when I NEED it (J is bedridden sick for a week, I need to wash my hair or I'm going to cry), or when it'd be incredibly useful and otherwise very stressful (watch him for a couple hours while we interview contractors?). But I don't feel like I can ask them to take them for an evening so we can go out to dinner. Which is something I can and do do with grandparents when they are around. If friends didn't all work full time, maybe that'd be easier, but they do.

Also, it's all new to me. I didn't know much of my family growing up, and my parents didn't go out a lot. I had a babysitter now and then, but we pretty much were an entity unto ourselves. I don't know how having a blood relative in town would work, so I'm completely adrift with non-blood, and most of them have blood families that are much larger. I'm very grateful that they've adopted my son as they have. J and I did have aunts/uncles, even if we didn't see them a lot, and L isn't even going to have that. There are NO relatives of his generation he'll ever know (unless something unexpected and I can't even imagine happens), and there really aren't any of my generation except J and I. L's likely to be an only child as well. Which I only feel bad about because the family has shrunk so very small.

I do hope the ties built last as he gets older. I don't want him to have just us. That's the problem with non-blood family. There isn't that blood tie to fall back on and dig up years later. It's just a agreement. Which can be stronger than blood, but it also can fade completely since it's created entirely by those involved.

[brigid]

For various ~~reasons~~ I'm not at all close to my extended family and grew up not really knowing them. If my parents were physically closer, in theory I'd call on them... but my mom is in a lot of pain & not very mobile & my dad's never been a caregiver. Nesko's mom and one of his sisters actually do a LOT of child care when they are available, but they both have lives that they live... his sister works full time & has social stuff she does, his mom was treated for breast cancer twice & has low energy/low stamina.

The family we're CREATING is very kind and understanding and if I'd just bootstrap up and ask them, they'd probably be willing/able to pitch in for every day child care, rides, errands, etc. But for a lot of reasons, I'm reluctant to ask people for favors.

If we lived closer to each other, I'd LOVE to create some kind of extended family/child care exchange thing. I don't know you guys SUPER well but what I do know I really huge like & respect and people I trust, respect, & love hold you in high esteem. And your kid is WAY cute. Most of the people I'd feel most comfortable turning to for help live far away and that's frustrating.

Ah well.