Playground Etiquette

[brigid]

What is playground etiquette for making new parent friends that you meet at the playground or other public places?

I am a bit, how you say, “incredibly socially awkward and highly anxious in new situations” and go into public places assuming that other people will think I am a fool and hate me forever because I have something stuck between my teeth and I say nonsensical things and probably have food spattered on me or something. HAH FUN TIMES! THANKS, BRAIN! yet I blog, putting myself out in public, and I’ve enjoyed every retail job I’ve had because I enjoy the disposable human interaction of retail work.  Go figure.

I took Niko to the park the other day, and there was a woman with a FANTASTIC brown corduroy jacket and two adorable kids. I mention her jacket because she, like me, is Very Fat and so in theory I could also wear a brown corduroy jacket. We seemed to have similar taste within the stringent bounds of what clothing is available to fat women. And her boy was maybe a year older than Niko and very gregarious. (her other child was about a year younger, I think, and wow is there a vaster difference between 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 than there is between 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 or 4) He and Niko played together a bit, in between Niko running laps around the playground while roaring (he had juuuuuuuust a bit of pent up energy to get rid of), and he tried to play tag with Niko. He touched him gently and said “Tag! You’re it!” and then they ran off together. Niko has no idea what tag is, but he enjoyed the running and he climbed on things… at one point Older Child climbed on something that was not play structure and Niko gazed up at him admiringly and Older Child said “Here! Take my hand!” and my heart burst into ONE MILLION TINY ADORING PIECES BECAUSE OH GOD HOW CUTE WAS THAT. So cute it forced me to use ALL CAPS.

Anyway, I would have loved to try being friends with that other stylish lady and have our kids get together, but how does one broach that topic of conversation without sounding like an immense loser who has no friends? I should note that if someone approached ME with the question I wouldn’t assume they were immense losers with  no friends but hello! Crazybrain activity going on!

I’ve thought about making cards that have my name, Niko’s name, and my email address on them that I can hand out to people as like calling cards or something. Would that be over the top? Or would it seem “Type A” somehow? I am actually very lazy, indolent even, in my personal life so I don’t want to give an impression of a bustling, over-involved nature. Would it be weird? Should I put my blog address on there, or would it scare people away?

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE ADULTHOOD APPARENTLY.

But it was nice talking with another adult about our kids and how they are weirdly obsessed with rocks, sticks, and trains; it was nice that Niko was interacting with another child instead of just adults.

I imagine things will be different when he’s in pre-K next year, and it will feel more natural and logical to introduce myself to a bunch of strangers to be parent friends with. We’ve talked about enrolling Niko in some kind of toddler class, but we can’t afford any of them so that’s out. Most of the stay at home parenting groups are not in my area and would be difficult or impossible to get to as I don’t drive… and some of them charge fees, too, which is like… whaaaaaat? I just want to sit in someone’s living room while our kids wreck things together, you know?

I should start grabbing free museum passes from our library branch and taking Niko more places before the snow falls and locks us inside for 4 or more months, I guess.

How do you meet new parent friends/how did you meet the parent friends you have? Are calling cards weird? Does anyone know any nerdy parents of toddlers in northern Chicago I can glom on to? How do you feel if parents try to “pick you up” in public places? HIT ME UP WITH ADVICE PEOPLE, I AM IN NEED.

Mirrored from Now Showing!.

Comments

[lilmoka]

Eh, tell me about socially awkward. I'm not a parent, but I have your same problems regarding interactions with people.
One method of approaching the fashionable lady would be complimenting her on her jacket, but that would imply you talking to her first, which can be very anxiety inducing.

So, yeah, I'm not very useful... I'm no good with people :/

[brigid]

I did compliment her jacket! She thanked me and I couldn't think of what to say next.

Be stealthy!

[waldo]

Make cards with the address of your blog and whichever email you use for that. Then the next time you see her, ask where she got her fabulous coat and strike up a conversation. Then at some point say, "Hey, our kids seem to get on great, how 'bout we set up a play date." And then whip out your awesomecool blog card that you just happen to be carrying to, you know, promote your blog to other parents, not to, you know, be stalkery and let her know she can get ahold of you through the email.

Also, Uptown/Clarendon Park is putting together a kiddie play group. I know we're a bit out from you, but it would just be Brown Line (Brown line to da loop! as Niko always told me) to the Montrose bus. I'm pretty sure it's free, but I'll admit to not paying scads of attention to it, since the only kids I have are fur slinkies. :p

Re: Be stealthy!

[brigid]

There's a group that meets in Edgewater (ironically, they meet in the park directly behind the building we lived in before this one) and all I have to do to get there is walk half a mile then take the Foster bus for half an hour... OR take the brown line to Belmont then take the red line to Berwyn... I wish there was something I could get to in UNDER a half an hour.

I worry that I'll be like OH HAI I HAS A BLOG and people will think I'm an internet creeper or something. Perhaps I am overthinking, IDK.

[amadi]

Mommy cards, like you describe, are A Thing that exists, I know Moo Cards does them, I think typically with an adorable picture of the kid whose mommy is passing them out. It'd be a good way to generate a connection with someone once you get over the hump of speaking to them. I have no advice there, I am that woman who speaks to anyone who looks non-evil and vaguely interesting/interested, and regrets it later. :)

[brigid]

At the very least, they would have my name/email address.

[the_rck]

Not driving (I also don't. I can't safely) makes everything more complicated. There are a lot of things I didn't do when my daughter was smaller because the logistics were too daunting.

I don't have any advice for befriending other parents. I was never any good at it. The best I ever did was talking about our mutual kids. Things like potty training, kid food preferences and sleep difficulties might make good conversation starters.

[brigid]

I live in a big city with great public transit (well... it takes forever but that's kind of par for the course) and owning a car is hella expensive so... I don't. I've had a learner's permit SEVERAL DIFFERENT TIMES but keep not being able to find time to practice driving (or like, right now, my husband's car needs a front end alignment, making it very difficult to drive because it pulls to the left). Frustrating! Parks are at least a mile from us, every one of them.

Small talk about kids is a good suggestion!

[the_rck]

I can't track things moving faster than a certain speed (about 15 mph) relative to me, so I can't see a lot of what I'd need to in order to drive safely.

Ann Arbor, where I live, has good mass transit for Michigan, but that doesn't mean it's great. Most of the buses come only once a half hour. We're lucky enough to be within walking distance of two routes, so I have choices about how to get to downtown and about which part of downtown to go to.

Kid topics are common ground between parents.

[dorothean]

If I met someone in a social situation who gave me a card with her contact information, and I hadn't actually asked for her contact information whereupon she said, "well, my email address is kind of long but I happen to have a business card with it on," I would assume she was trying to sell me something!

But, this is me being jaded by too many desperate people trying very very hard to Network with all and sundry. And I'm not a parent. If it actually is a thing for parents to connect with other parents like that, that's different. But getting an unsolicited card from someone without that context would make me less likely to trust them or to want to see them again.

It sounds like you actually talked to the good-coat lady. (That is where I would get hung up!) Can you just hope that she and her children come back to that park when you're there, so that you can say, hey, our children get along and I have these free museum passes -- would you like to go there with us sometime?

[brigid]

Yeah, I might hit the park again on the same day/time and hope to see her.

[al_zorra]

Cards are perfectly acceptable to give people.

It is more effective though, to say, "Our talk was so enjoyable it would be great to do it again. Can you write your contact info on this card so we can discuss getting in touch another time?"

I say more effective because -- news flash, sweetie -- you are not the only person who is socially insecure about EVERYTHING. If you leave it up to this other socially insecure person only to get in touch with you, she may not, because, socially insecure!

Also, even if nothing comes of it, you did not lose because you reached out. It is better to reach out than to run away! (unless you're Niko, running away the pent up energies, of course :).

Yeah, don't I sound like I know it all!

Love, C.

[brigid]

Thanks for the reminder that other people have social anxieties as well! It's easy to forget that. (also: they are busy! they lose things! etc!)

[pinesandmaples]

Hrm. Were I at a playground or other public place with my child or one of my nephews AND we'd had a fun conversation AND the kids got along, I would not think calling cards were creepy. I would also not think something like, "We'd love to see you and your fam at the playground again! This was fun." as creepy. That's also an open invite to let the other parent jump in with concrete details.

But yeah, you don't sound creepy at all. It would be fun.

[brigid]

Thanks for the feedback! That was very helpful.

[sister_luck]

Mommy cards are all the rage here apparently. I read about them in a magazine. I do not have one but then I'm not one of the fashionable "Latte macchiato Moms" as the German papers have dubbed them. You know, the ones with the expensive strollers, designer clothes, and high aspirations for their kids who have read every parenting handbook there is and send their offspring to all sorts of toddler classes where they learn Chinese or do pottery or something.

I'm not the best conversationalist either (I find blog comments difficult enough) and there's at least one very nice mother I'd have liked to know better that got away from me, because she doesn't stop at our playground any more. There was the added complication that the other mother who was always there with her was a crazy woman who continually fed her kids sweets and I couldn't ask one for her contact details and then forget the other...

The kid has got a bunch of playground friends but so far it stayed in the playground, but like I said, there are only one or two moms I really clicked with and who I would want to meet (and their kids) in a different setting. Maybe I'm too picky? But parenting from the distance with a cigarette in your mouth and then smacking your kid when he wants attention isn't really my style.

tl_dr: I don't have answers either and I talk too much, but not to the other moms at the playground.

[brigid]

I've read about parent cards among the wealthy, but I'm used to running off a few with my home printer before going to cons, to give to people I click with THERE. I'm in a really working class neighborhood which is part of the issue. Will people think I'm weird or an elitist or something for having what many consider a spendy accessory? WHO CAN SAY.

[al_zorra]

As if parenthood hasn't already enough anxieties and tribulations already! I'm saying this with all sympathy.

Everything has become so class-ridden in this country in a way it wasn't when I was growing up. Surely there were class divisions, but they were easily breached for kids (parents, not so much maybe, sometimes). But by and large out there in farmlandia, most of the parents attended a large enough church, that their kids were part of, and all the kids went to the same school, and all the kids took swimming lessons at the town pool (farm kids like us had to be driven in, of course, but the mothers took this as a time out from their working day to hang out together with a friend ((they probably went to school together too, when growing up -- at the same school as we went to!)) while waiting to drive us all home again, and would even switch off days to drive). Anyway, 'nuff bout that!

Love, C.