My Body, Myself

[brigid]

Mirrored from Words, words, words, art..

Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for awhile know that in the past, I’ve grappled with disordered eating. It mostly took the form of binging and fasting (where “fasting” is “going 2-3 days without eating until I’m so hungry I consume the entire world, then freak out about it”) and severe calorie restriction (like, trying to live on 500 calories a day, mostly in the form of diet soda). I’m also really, really fat and it took me a while, but I’ve gotten comfortable in my body. It’s a fat body, but it’s MY body, and (at least until recently) it more or less did what I wanted it to do, when I wanted it to do it.

I used to do a lot of manual labor. I used to dig up (small) trees and haul them around; muck out horse stalls and wheel around overloaded wheelbarrows full of sodden straw and manure; toss around 75 pound bags of flour and sugar; unload trucks full of slate, mulch, compost, etc; work all day in the hot sun.

When I started trying to practice Health At Every Size (HAES) and intuitive eating, my weight stabilized. (I also stopped eating so much dairy, because it makes me ill. It helped me listen to my body more.) I mean, I had a kid 2 years ago, and I had no problems losing all the (minimal) weight I gained while pregnant. I currently weigh the same amount I did before I conceived.

Only I feel fatter than I used to. Like, I feel like I’ve gained 20 pounds or so. My clothes don’t fit well. I feel sluggish and confined. I’m a lot more sedentary than I used to be (this has been a long, cold, wet winter and I don’t have a driver’s license, so going out and doing things and moving is… challenging) and I think I’ve lost muscle and gained fat.

I don’t like my body like this.

So I’ve started working out and holy shit am I out of shape. I used to dance competitively. I used to Irish Step Dance, which means I basically used to jump up and down for an hour or two at a time. I can’t even imagine doing that now. Well, I mean, I can imagine it… and when I put my head down to work out, I’m done far too soon. It’s depressing. I’m still working on it, working out, waiting for the snow to melt and the temperatures to break so I can actually leave the house with the toddler in tow. We can walk a mile to the library, to the park, etc and that’ll help.

But I’ve gotten into some bad food habits as well and I need to correct that. I don’t eat enough fruits and vegetables, I’m a sucker for bread (especially with butter), and I could stand to stop eating so much pre-packaged processed food. We have an actual fruit bowl in the dining room, on the table, and having the fresh fruit RIGHT THERE AND VISIBLE is helping us remember to eat it (Niko calls apples and oranges myommyom balls) and I’ve upped my fruit intake quite a bit. I found some great recipes for cauliflower and we’ve been doing a good job of eating more cooked veggies AND more salad (we splurged and got fancy dressings, croûtons, flavored almonds, etc for extra fancy restaurant style salads).

So I’m doing what I can to, in general, improve my body’s health. But the urge is there: to stop eating entirely; to count and reduce calories to almost nothing; to go on a faddish crash diet; to try to win that elusive prize of thinness by any means necessary even if it means shaking hands and dizziness and vertigo and poor health. It’s so sick. There are foods that make me ill (upset stomach, mouth rash, migraine… not all at the same time) and I should keep a food diary so I can track what it is that’s making me sick so I can cut it out of my diet. But I fear that if I start logging food I’ll start restricting again. That way lies madness, and by “madness” I mean “obsession and compulsion and terrible anxiety nightmares.” There are times I wish I could just not eat ever again, never put anything in my mouth again, shed my physical body entirely and just drift away.

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Comments

[lassarina]

Staying fit is so horribly hard in winter. Do you have means/opportunity for a video-game based fitness thing? I found that Wii Fit actually helps me a lot, surprisingly.

Irish step dance! I did that a small bit but never enough to really get good. I wish I had.

Re: food....hmmm. I don't have this *particular* issue with logging food, so I don't know if this recasting would help or hinder, but what about keeping track of menus? Like, "tonight's dinner was pasta with zucchini and chicken" or something? Essentially I'm wondering if calculated vagueness would help. But as I said, I don't have that particular issue set, so my suggestion might be useless.

[brigid]

I would love to get a wii fit with a balance board and all that, but we don't have the money for it. We MIIIIIIGHT splurge on one with our tax refund, but we need a new mattress, a new couch, and some car repairs and those come first. I'm making do in the mean time with hand weights and jumping jacks and stuff.

Some of my food sensitivities involve stuff I don't eat often, or only when raw. For instance, raw pineapple gives me an itchy rash on the inside of my mouth, but cooked/grilled/etc pineapple is fine. How often do I eat pineapple? Not that often! Raw carrots cause the same problem. So vagueness like that is a good idea (and I've been menu planning so that's helpful as well!) but I think it's minor ingredients that cause the problem. It's a really good suggestion, though!

[ankaret]

I'm having the Body Image Crud too and I sympathise. I'm coming out of some kind of flu-thing (which I am not comparing to having a baby! I'm just rambling on about my own experience) and all I can do is my most gentle yoga DVD or go for slow walks, and that is making my brain turn 'but I should be able to work out at the level I was doing this time last month, it is clearly Because I Am Fat' cartwheels. Agh. Much sympathy.

[brigid]

Pft, I have asthma so when I get a cold or flu or whatever, I'm out for at least a month. And everything goes to hell. I HEAR WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM. Let's (spiritually, anyway) go for some slow ambles together while we try to get back on top of things.

[cleverthylacine]

I hate body image crud.

Having learnt that weight loss is a celiac symptom and having lost a lot of weight recently without many lifestyle changes, I am now paranoid that IT WILL COME BACK.

Despite the fact that I feel so much better and move around so much more and don't want to eat constantly. WTF.

[brigid]

I think part of my feeling fat is that I lost a considerable amount of weight after giving birth, in large part because I was on oral insulin for my PCOS. And then I gained exactly that much weight back, no more. So I'm hustling to try and get a script for metformin again so I can get back on it, which I need to do because without it 1) my pancreas will eventually shit itself and die 2) heart problems 3) kidney and liver problems. The possible weight loss (and clearing up of overly oily skin and other issues) is kind of at the bottom of the list.

You've had celiac for a long time though, right? And you made really substantial changes in your eating habits and level of exercise. I've read that celiac can result in weight GAIN as well as weight loss (person tries to eat MORE to make up for nutrients not being absorbed properly) so possibly there will be no change, or further healthy weight loss for you? I AM PULLING FOR YOU AND A HEALTHY ACTIVE VIBRANT BODY AND LIFE.

[cleverthylacine]

Thanks!!! :D :D :D

Well, I gained 3 pounds last month, but I am pretty sure (when I am rational) that this is actually because I have eaten 3 cans of macadamia nuts, 4 bags of Tostitos (I have no freaking idea how a bag is 1500 calories, they're just corn chips right, but the ones from Trader Joes aren't that fattening, I just wish they were as delicious) because I have fallen in love with Casa Sanchez fresh salsa, which I could eat on other things...and every gluten-free cupcake in the freaking city over the last month in my effort to assure myself that there will still be cupcakes, and mostly I am over that now, because the assuring thing was successful.

So I suspect I will not gain back every bit of the weight I lost, now that I no longer feel like I must eat ALL of the things just to personally verify that those things are there to be eaten.

It is almost certain that part of the reason I dropped 40 pounds over the last 4 years was celiac getting much, much worse, but I am also sure that is also due to my major change in my eating habits of not drinking 3-6 huge sugar sodas/sweet teas a day which started in 2007 or 2008. The exercise, well, that has varied.

But to answer your comment, it's almost 100% certain that the reason I got fat to begin with was 1) celiac and 2) poverty. When I was broke--I mean really really broke, not broke like I am now because I had money but I spent it all--I ate a lot of pasta and bread and matzah and tortillas and frequently made my own sauces starting with a flour roux. And that was when I got fat, because, shock and awe, if you eat food that you can't digest properly, you want to eat LOTS AND LOTS of it.

Celiac has played a huge role in my disordered eating. When I was a teenager, well, you know, if everything you eat makes you feel like shit...why eat?

And then as an adult, hungry all the freaking time because the worse it got the less nutrition I got. So yeah, I used to eat a lot. I was never one of those fat people who could say, I don't eat a lot really. I have one friend and she is really, really fat, but when we go out to eat together, she always wants just one drink and one sandwich and either fries or a salad. I am the one who wants appetizers and dessert! And yet I weigh less. (I hope she's not reading this, if you are honey, I love you, and I'm not trying to be obnoxious.)

And I am definitely able to eat less and be happy.

So I think I just need to watch the brainweasels. At least that's easier to do on a gluten-free diet. :D

[brigid]

Part of being healthy is being able to EAT ALL THE THINGS! Discover that those things WILL STILL BE THERE! Say "oh snap, better not do that again!" and move on. Which it sounds like you are doing, when you can keep the brain weasels at bay! And I remember you talking about not eating candy and soda. That was a HUGE change.

I sometimes have a problem with EATING ALL THE THINGS! because for long stretches of time, if I didn't EAT ALL THE THINGS! then someone else would (or they'd go bad) and there would be no things to eat. Or food would be withheld for punishment, so there would be no things to eat. Sometimes for days. That's one of the biggest adjustments I've had to make (that and learning to tell if I'm hungry, not hungry, or full), that I can back away from food and the world won't end, I can get more later, really I can.

[cleverthylacine]

Also it is really good that you can tolerate metformin!

(I suspect I probably have PCOS too, based on the irregularity of my periods, the severity of my PMS and the amount of tweezing I do on my chin. We'll see. I have a gyno appt later this month, but it's up in the air, because celiac can cause gyno probs too!)

[brigid]

I have to shave my chin. I mean, I don't HAVE to, but let's just say I have a trans friend who I would gladly swap his boobs for my facial hair. We both have an excess of a bodily part we don't want. And yeah, I'm very glad I tolerate metformin... there's a week or two of oooooh nooooooooooo but honestly? Eating dairy makes me sicker.

PCOS, untreated, can lead to a plethora of health problems, so please do investigate! I want you around for a long time!

[cleverthylacine]

On my way to the GI doc, can't write a novel, but:

I get it. *hugs*

There are other ways to do this than detailed food logging. If you are concerned that something is making you ill, try not eating it for a few days, then make a note of any symptoms you experience when you eat it. This is what I did when I wasn't sure if there was a problem with gluten and needed to convince the doc to test.